We spend a lot of time at work, and we have different preferences in how we engage with our colleagues. Some people overshare and want to integrate their personal lives with their work lives. Others are more reserved and prefer to keep their personal lives completely separate from work—a preference that can vary from person to person but may also be different from generation to generation.
What’s the right answer? How do we know when bringing our authentic selves to work bonds us with our colleagues versus when oversharing becomes too much? And how can we engage with our colleagues who interact in a way that makes us uncomfortable?
1. Find your comfort zone
First, you need to understand what makes you comfortable. “The common advice is that you either need to be social, talk to everyone and bring your whole self to work, or that you should be very professional and you shouldn’t be sharing those things—and [that] it’s wrong, too, and it’s uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional. It might get you sued,” says Phoebe Gavin, career and leadership coach at Better With Phoebe. “But both of those are wrong. They’re each so prescriptive that they don’t allow people to be themselves and to build organic relationships with the people they’re interacting with.”
“You are where you are. Recognize where everyone else is and make a decision about how you want to find some sort of harmony,” says Gavin. “It’s about being mindful.”
Keeping work and personal life separate can be hard. “The lines are going to blur; there’s no way around it. We spend just as much time, and in some cases more time, with our colleagues than we do with our friends and family members. So it makes sense for these things to start to blur together,” notes Gavin.
2. Respect other people’s comfort zones
Once you know your personal comfort zone, notice how you differ from others. What vibes do other people give off and how are you meeting those needs? “We tend to communicate with others the way we want them to communicate with us,” says Carolina Caro, team coach and founder of Conscious Leadership Partners. “Practicing adaptability means meeting another person where they are versus where we are. In other words, if you know someone is reserved, you might refrain from divulging personal details, even if that’s your preference. If I’m speaking to you, I take notice of your comfort level, and I might adjust, but that adjustment is conscious. I’m doing it because I want to have a better relationship. I want to connect with you more.”
Allowing space for all those different personalities will help an organization thrive. “The idea is that the environment accepts the tapestry of comfort levels and experiences rather than dictating a norm,” says Caro. “That means sharing about our personal lives, to the extent we feel comfortable, which can vary from person to person.”
Older generations may be less comfortable sharing personal information at work, where the younger generations may prefer to bring their whole selves to work. A recent Gallup poll shows that workers, especially those from Generation Z, are less engaged at work in 2024, partly because they feel less connected to their organization’s culture.
“We’re continuing to learn how to make environments inclusive,” says Caro. “Creating space for everyone to be who they are, respecting differences. That means no judgment. Now, having said that, we are all unique, so how do we train people to be OK meeting someone where they are?”
How much we share at work and how we manage personal situations that may be difficult is part of the larger culture that comes from the top down. “Brené Brown talks about how, in order to create those spaces, we have to set the tone. A leader who talks about her own infertility gives permission for other individuals to do the same. Many of the reasons why people don’t share is to be protective. Teaching people that they can let down their guard and that you’re not going to hurt them or use that information against them is key—a position that comes from leadership,” Caro explains.
3. Read the room
While sharing so we get our needs met is important, we don’t want to get caught “trauma dumping,” which can happen when sharing overwhelmingly traumatic personal information and hindering the organization’s ability to get work done. “Notice if it’s an actual workplace issue or stuff you’re bringing from your life into this space which is affecting your ability to do your job,” says Azizi Marshall, mental health and workplace wellness expert at the Center for Creative Arts Therapy. Take a step back and read the room and the body language of others. “Notice if they cross their arms and look around the room like they’re looking for an exit. If their feet are pointed away from you, they’re most likely trying to get away from the conversation.” Instead of venting for a lengthy period of time, figure out the problem and find a way to come up with a solution. “There has to be some sort of balance between both the organization and the people involved,” says Marshall.
4. Express your needs and offer a solution
We all have to balance personal needs with professional goals. And we can share enough so we can accomplish both. “If you are a work–life separator, but you’re in a situation where you need accommodations from work, there’s a way to convey that to the people who need to know that allows you to only share what is necessary and to share in a way that is neutral,” says Marshall, “and that would respect your own preference for keeping things as separate as possible while also getting you what you need.”
For example, “If somebody has ADHD, working in an open-air environment can be overwhelming,” says Marshall. “It’s going to pull you all different ways, and you’re going to be exhausted by the end of the day. Ask for a reasonable accommodation, for example, to wear headphones while you’re in the open-air space. Or ask to work in a corner area where there’s not as many distractions, so you can stay focused and get your work done.” This achieves a balance that benefits both the employee and the employer. “Once an employee is in a place where they are supported and know they can ask for help when they’re struggling, then they’re more likely to stay with the organization. They’re more likely to take on those extra projects because they know the business has their back.”
Photo courtesy Mangostar/Shutterstock.com
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